Hello Friends,

Do you identify as a diplomat or a nonchalant person?

If so, when an annoying behavior presents itself, you may not care enough to take issue with it and so you leave happily unaffected. And if you do care, you may be able to call it out and neutralize it.

What if the behavior happens in an environment that requires your attention and care - for example in a workplace setting?

It might not be as easy to turn a blind eye and even the best of diplomats might not be able to deal in an environment where egos are big and tensions are high.

With that, we'll talk about contempt and disrespect in this issue.

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The Situation:

Cathy founded her own Fintech company after years in corporate finance. To keep her operations lean, instead of hiring employees, she has decided to bring in freelance consultants. One of the consultants she brought in is a senior colleague, Harry who has seen Cathy progress from junior analyst to vice-president before quitting to start her own company.

Cathy has a good working relationship with Harry as she respects his inputs and attention to detail. In their previous working relationship, Cathy had to report to Harry. Now, the power dynamics has shifted, making them peers in this new working relationship. Cathy has maintained her respect for Harry because of his age seniority and experience.

Recently, Harry has been more caustic and sarcastic in his remarks. Whilst his inputs are work-related and on point, his delivery has become more casual and disrespectful. He talks down to Cathy and has on many occasions told Cathy that his approach is superior and she should forget about her approach and just adopt his.

Whilst Cathy is grateful for his expertise, she is taken aback by the change in demeanor. The working relationship now feels hostile, combative and directive.

She has even seen emails from Harry to her company's stakeholders that subtly imply her lack of competence.

Cathy is angry and curious. She wants to figure out a way to address this change in Harry's behavior.

THE HOLLYWOOD TAKE

The "I know better because I've seen more" mentality is rife in workplaces. It's a way for people to maintain their sense of self-worth and to justify their years of commitment.

That's not an issue until it becomes the issue.

Belittling, not giving proper credit, dismissing and not taking contributions on the basis of merit are some manifestations of that.

In the 1988 movie, Working Girl, Melanie Griffith's character was taken in by a seemingly cool and supportive boss played by Sigourney Weaver. Outwardly, her boss was encouraging of her ideas and contributions. Behind the scenes, her boss dismissed her idea but planned to pass it off as her own.

This plot differs from what Cathy is experiencing with Harry but there is the commonality of insecurity.

Insecurity that made Sigourney not want to give Melanie her due credit and insecurity that made Harry put Cathy down.

SOCIAL SCRIPT:

Don't be so sensitive. You mean you are offended by those little slights? You need to be tougher to work in this "dog eat dog" world. This is what being professional looks like. Maybe he is going through a bad phase. Maybe he feels he is being undervalued. Have you done something to offend him?

These are some of the advice and questions given to Cathy when she sought third party insight into the situation.

They may be valid but they put the burden of proof on Cathy.

As a self-aware person, Cathy sought to check her own behavior to see if anything she did or said led to Harry's change.

However, a lot of the social script makes excuses for Harry's hostility.

INNER SCRIPT:

Cathy left the corporate environment for the precise reason of being able to dictate her working environment and the people she works with.

She didn't leave a hostile environment only to suffer the same fate in her new gig.

She definitely wants to get to the bottom of Harry's change.

She has decided to keep things factual and objective.

Cathy started documenting their correspondence to have a reference point for their conversation.

In her documentation, she has decided to avoid using feeling words for fear of being accused of being emotional and unprofessional.

ACTUAL SCRIPT:

Cathy approaches Harry for an informal coffee chat:

• Cathy explains the purpose for the chat
• She starts with bringing up their history at the old firm and how she had enjoyed working with him then
• In her new Fintech company, she highlighted that she is grateful that he has been helping out as a paid consultant
• She then brings up Harry's change in tone and attitude when working together and his tone and language has been quite tactless and hostile
• Harry denies that and insists that Cathy is making things up
• Cathy brings up her documentation list and emphasizes that having this factual reference will help avoid false accusations and emotional arguments
• Harry digests the list and is quiet for several moments
• Cathy stresses that prior to this issue happening, she has enjoyed working with and learning from Harry, this isn't about attacking Harry but rather her trying to understand what is going on and how their working relationship can be improved

How it could work out:

• Harry comes clean and tells Cathy the true reason for his new hostility and passive aggression
• Cathy digests the reason
• Cathy determines if the reason is valid and if she can empathize with Harry
• If the reason doesn't align with what Cathy expects of people she works with, Cathy can choose to terminate her working relationship with Harry

OR

• If she is able to empathize with Harry's reason, Cathy expresses her need for open and direct communication to avoid issues like this from happening again
  • Cathy stresses her non-negotiable traits in her working counterpart and tells Harry why they are important to her
  • If Harry can honor and respect that, he is welcome to stay on and work with her